selfie preservation #019
What is a script idea you could write for my BIL? Lay out the general contours
Note: I have absolutely no idea how to do any kind of script or screen writing so please maybe don’t actually show this to the actual filmmaker you know, I will die of embarrassment lol. I know you’ve been waiting on this and I apologize that it is lackluster; this is not the kind of writing that speaks to me!
My favorite movies are the ones where nothing really happens, and I think my strongest emotional skills would be for a family movie or a coming-of-age movie. I’ve had this idea of an opening shot to a family Christmas movie where a daughter in her 20s or 30s is sitting on the toilet scrolling through her phone, but the toilet has a rolling commode chair on top. This image, naturally, comes from real life experience.
Christmases in my family, have the general contours of being “good,” unremarkable, or various iterations of, “the worst,” including second, third, and fourth worst Christmases. Every Worst Christmas is predicated on an absence, almost always my brother’s; the years he lived in San Francisco especially, no one could ever afford to buy him a plane ticket home. The canonical Worst Christmas ever was the first Worst Christmas, when my brother was in San Francisco and we had all chipped in to get my dad a plane ticket out to see him. Have you ever seen Rachel Getting Married? It’s a Johnathan Demme movie about a woman fresh out of rehab attending her sister’s wedding; what it captures so excruciatingly is this duality among folks and their families dealing with addiction: both exclusion and inclusion can lead to conflict and catastrophe. I won’t get into the details, but my dad never made it to San Francisco to see my brother that Christmas, and there was a not insignificant amount of collateral damage.
This Worst Christmas Ever is not to be confused with the subsequent Worst Christmases which include (but not limited to): my grandma getting bit by a dog and needing a rabies shot; my sister being admitted to the ER for a hangover; one of our dogs biting an old lady on a walk and reporting it; a norovirus outbreak that eventually took down people in at least 3 states; an unconfirmed bout of carbon monoxide poisoning; a physical altercation between my mom and my uncle that left my uncle with a bloody lip; these are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
Common Christmas occurrences in my family that do not meet the criteria of Worst Christmas include: hangovers (that don’t require emergency medicine), terrible gifts (I once cried receiving these sandals after my brother had gotten a new iPhone and my sister had gotten a new wool coat…I was probably 28 at the time); bad food (my aunt has, on more than one occasion, hosted Christmas Day brunch and served frozen Jimmy Dean’s breakfast foods, bless her); and petty arguments.
We call these events “Christmas catastrophes” and as you can see, there are many of them. So many. The incidents listed above are just those I can rattle off the top of my head. Chances are the worst Christmas you’ve ever had wouldn’t even clock the Top 25 of our Christmas catastrophes.
Christmas 2020 does not get a mention because it was likely the worst Christmas ever for everyone everywhere. However I will say it was probably the first Christmas of a lifetime of worst Christmases; all of our family’s worst Christmases have been those where we have not all been together, and we won’t all be together ever again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
A script would take some of the more wild and unexpected events of these Worst Christmases and thread them together to tell a story of a family constantly trying to keep it together.
Setting: the Upper Midwest in December. It is dark, it is freezing cold, and there is an amount of snow that feels unimaginable from places like LA and DC. Getting here from the various costal urban centers where the third generation of family lives is arduous and expensive. It is a cross-country, one-layover + puddle jumper flight that costs the same as a flight to Europe, or 2 days driving. But it is beautiful — dark blues, greys, greens, the whitest white, a stillness in the snowy moonlight and a cold so visceral you can smell it. Standing outside for too long brings tears to the eyes — yes, because it is so cold, but really because it is so beautiful.
Act I: The family arrives
Christmas of the American imagination is a place like their family homestead; fluffy banks of fresh snow, wreaths on the streetlights on Main St., cozy fires and townie dive bars. But what the imagination does not account for is how truly far away this place is, literally. In miles and in effort. It makes the married-into-the family sons crabby, but they don’t dare tell their wives that their family homestead is a crumbling old mining town where it’s difficult to get a decent cup of coffee and 2 days’ worth of travel.
Complaining about the sheer absurdity of a trip like this is futile. It has been drilled into these women for the entirety of their lives that “going home” for Christmas is the ideal and anything else is either imitating that or trying too hard to beat it. Attempting to thwart a trip “home” usually meant spending Christmas apart, so strong was the attraction to home. Asking to spend Christmas in their real, day-to-day home, was often met with a derisive, “shape up or ship out,” one of many backhanded jokes they picked up from their grandfather over the years.
Scene 1: Trying to find a snack
[Open to the older sister sitting on the toilet scrolling Instagram on her phone. She idly sees tropical beaches and fancy city hotels decorated for Christmas. She double taps lazily every few seconds, and then tosses her phone on the counter. Pull away to see her sitting on a rolling commode chair, like you would see in a hospital, but she is very obviously in a home. As she attempts to stand up, she somehow bumps the commode so it tips, knocking her to the ground. She glances up, eyes wide in surprise, shakes her head, sighs annoyingly, and untangles herself and the commode from the floor. She pulls up and zips up her pants, washes her hands, looks at herself in the mirror, then closes her eyes. She takes a long, slow inhale, holds her breath, and exhales loudly out of her nose.
The older sister then walks around the corner to the kitchen, opens the fridge, which at first glance is full of food but as she inspects it more closely she realizes that none of the food is the kind of food you would snack on: apple cinnamon cream cheese, a sliced lime, six kinds of mustard, a half gallon of milk, a half gallon of reduced sugar orange juice, a take out container with a few sad, soggy fries and a tomato slice, minced garlic, and, finally, some kind of snack pack. She grabs the snack pack and investigates the expiration date; it was only a few months ago, so for this fridge it’s practically fresh. She pops it open and takes a few hesitant bites. She shrugs and eats the rest.]
Scene 2: Food Poisoning
[The younger sister pulls into the driveway and takes out fistfuls of shopping bags. She closes the car door with her foot, and attempts to lug all the shopping bags (Target, for herself; the grocery store, for everyone; Kohl’s for her mother who, “can’t stand to see the Kohl’s Kash expire. I once had so much Kohl’s cash they had to give ME a reimbursement when I bought that camping cot the kids sleep on.”) The older sister’s husband pulls up behind her, and jumps out of the car with a paper bag full of sub sandwiches. The younger sister looks at him exasperatingly and he grabs a few shopping bags.]
Younger Sister: Where is my sister? She should have come with me.
Older sister’s husband: She went back to bed? She said she wasn’t feeling well.
[The younger sister replies with a confused look on her face and charges into the house. She drops all the shopping bags on the counter and marches upstairs to check on her older sister. She finds her sprawled out on a flowered quilt in “the good room,” which of course the younger sister and her family have claimed for the holiday.]
Younger Sister: What’s wrong with you, why are you in my bed?
Older Sister: There is a good chance I got food poisoning from the California Snackin’ Pack in the fridge.
Younger Sister: Why would you eat that? You know it could probably make you sick.
Older Sister: Had to take my chances. Can you bring me a plain La Croix?
Act II: The family fights
The family motto is, “max out the hang out,” which means no person is meant to do any activity alone. In theory, this sounds sweet, but in practice, it means that over the course of the day, any number of small, seething fights break out among various family members. No one is in charge which means everyone is in charge. None of the plans that anyone tries to make feel logical or sensible but all of them are attempting to be fun, to create memories, and to enjoy each other’s company. We have tried to establish a stable of activities that are known to elicit the least amount of fights and the most amount of joy: bowling, going to the movies, winter sports (of the sledding and cross-country skiing variety), playing cards.
This is exacerbated by the fact that no activities outside the house happen before 1:00pm, for no other reason than sitting together in the living room in their pajamas drinking coffee is the least combative, most enjoyable part of the day.
Scene 1: Disagreement about plans
Older sister: By the time we all get ready and get out there, we will only have like an hour to ice skate.
Younger sister: Yes, exactly, who wants to spend more than an hour ice skating?
Older sister’s husband: We will have to take at least 3 cars to accommodate all the kids’ car seats.
Younger sister: So?
Older sister’s husband: Do we want to have 3 carloads of kids and old people out in this weather? [He gestures toward the window where light snow is being tossed around violently.]
Younger sister: It’s windy, not stormy. It’s fine. We can’t sit around here all day, the kids will drive us crazy and then kill each other.
[A chaotic scene similar to the family getting ready to leave for the airport in Home Alone ensues, with closets opening and closing, piles of vintage winter gear strewn about, kids shouting, adults arguing, etc.]
Scene 2: Outfit teasing
[The older sister comes down the stairs in a one piece snowsuit that is clearly too tight for her. The younger sister stops trying to wrestle a kid into a pair of mittens and looks up at her sister. Their mother is daintily sorting mismatched mittens, despite her youngest daughter clearly needing extra help dressing the kids.]
Younger sister: What on earth are you wearing?
Older sister: A vintage purple and turquoise snowsuit, obviously.
Mother: I wore this when I was 8 months pregnant with you! I thought I was so much smaller than I was! I must have been huge!
[Older sister purses her lips and take a deep breath through her nose, attempting to stave off tears.]
Younger sister: Mom, shut up. [She approaches her sister and adjusts the straps so they aren’t so tight on the older sister’s shoulders. They give each a Look, and the older sister nods and goes back upstairs.]
Mother: Well I didn’t mean it like that! Your sister is so sensitive. Look how much taller she is than me! Of course my clothes don’t fit her!
Younger sister [sighs hugely]: Mom, please shut up and help me get the kids dressed.
Act III: The family experiences a catastrophe
The catastrophes that happen over the holidays in my family are simultaneously shocking and mundane. Some, like dog bites and hangovers, have simple and workable solutions. Some, like divorces and relapses, don’t.
Scene 1: Family outing of some kind
[Open to a snowy driveway with three cars opening and closing doors, engines starting, headlights flicking on and off. One person jumps out of one car, runs into the house, and runs back out again. Once car pulls out of the driveway, only to reappear less than 90 seconds later while someone else jumps out of the car, runs into the garage, and runs back to the car carrying a cooler. Eventually all three cars pull out of the driveway. Inside one car are the two sisters and three kids. The sisters sing along to the Dolly Parton Christmas classic, “Hard Candy Christmas”. They eventually pull up to an outdoor ice skating rink and everyone begins to pile out of the cars.]
Older sister: Did someone make a reservation for all of us?
Mother: Of course not. Around here? You don’t need reservations.
Younger sister: Well, according to the sign at the entrance, you do. [She points to a large, hand lettered sign that read, “RESERVATIONS MUST BE MADE IN ADVANCE, THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.” She approaches the ticket booth, which looks like an outhouse with a window. A teenage girl wearing a Santa hat and a face full of glitter scrolls mindlessly on her phone.] Excuse me, are you all booked today?
Ticket booth attendant: Oh yeah, we’ve been booked all week. Our next free day for a large group isn’t until the day after Christmas.
Younger sister: Of course. Do you have any smaller group availabilities today?
Ticket booth attendant: Let me check. [She taps away on a tablet, swipes back and forth a few times.] Three of you can skate starting in 15 minutes, and four of you can come back tomorrow.
Younger sister: Thanks. [She marches back to the parking lot where the rest of the family is milling around the cars.] Well, me and my kids are staying to skate. The rest of you can do what you want. [She rounds up her two small children, speaks briefly to her husband, and heads toward the skate rental shop.]
Younger sister’s husband: We’ll stay here with our car and meet everyone back at home in like an hour. [He and the older sister’s husband exchange glances; the older sister’s husband nods and turns to get back in his car.]
Older sister’s husband: There is a good brewery nearby that I’d like to check out, if anyone wants to tag along. [His wife is talking to her sister over by the skate rental and turns when she hears her husband. She kisses her sister on the cheek and gives her a look that requires the younger sister to nod and motion for the older sister to leave.]
A male cousin: Yeah, we’ll follow you, if that’s ok. Kids, let’s go!
[Everyone piles back in the cars, some turning one way out of the parking lot, some turning the other way. The sky gets darker, the wind picks up, and it’s hard to tell if *more* snow is falling or if the snow on the ground is being tossed back up into the air.]
Scene 2: A Christmas Catastrophe occurs
[Open to the older sister’s husband leaning over the steering wheel in the car, trying to see through the blowing wind and snow. He looks in the rearview mirror with a worried look on his face.]
Older sister’s husband: Do you think your cousin is ok back there?
Older sister [turns and looks to the headlights behind her]: Probably? They drive in the snow way more than we do. [Her husband looks in rearview mirror again, still worried. Suddenly, the sound of squeaking snow and tires erupts, and both the older sister and her husband snap their heads forward, extreme deer in the headlights look. The car begins to skid and skate across the opposite lane, which is thankfully free of traffic going the other way. The husband steers into the skid, but the ice is fresh and the car continues to skate across the road, over the curb and begins to barrel down a snowy hill.]
Older sister: Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god
Older sister’s husband: Hold on. [The car continues to barrel down a snowy hill, which is shockingly devoid of trees. He and his wife look at each other for a brief, confused moment].
Older sister: Oh my god! This is the abandoned ski hill! [She begins to giggle as the car lurches to the bottom and stops. Once the car has completed its run down the ski hill, she looks down at herself, out her window, and over to her husband. Neither of them appear hurt.] Are you ok?
Older sister’s husband: Yes. But doubt the car is. [He slowly opens the door and steps into the snow. He slowly walks around the car, checking under and over and around. He looks worried but not livid.]
Older sister: I’m CRYING this is so funny. I can’t believe the car skied down this old hill. Do you know my grandparents’ house is like a quarter of a mile away? [She begins to giggle and the giggle grows and grows to a full blown, crying, panting, laughing spell. The husband, disconcerted about the position they find themselves in, watches his wife for a moment, and a slow smile spreads across his face. He watches her and begins to chuckle, which itself grows into a convulsion of coughing and laughing.] Let’s see if the car starts and go home?
Older sister’s husband: God, I hope so. Getting towed out of here would be a nightmare. [He moves back to get in the car, but his wife springs out and motions for him to stay.]
Older sister: Wait! We have to take some pictures, and then a video of you trying to start the car and get out.
Older sister’s husband: Are you serious?
Older sister: Of course. This is one for the list, absolutely.
Husband: What list?
Older sister: Christmas catastrophes, of course.
Act IV: The family picks up the pieces
[Enter older sister and her husband to family homestead. The car has made it back. Everyone else is sitting in various spots, the living room couch, the dining room table. Snow clothes are strewn everywhere and there are various drinks about — coffee mugs, wine glasses, cans of La Croix. Everyone stops and looks up when the older sister and husband start to take off their coats.]
Scene 1: Laughing about the catastrophe
Younger sister: Where have you been? Our cousin said you never arrived at the brewery and they lost you on the road.
Older sister: We got into an accident. [Everyone starts shouting at once and the younger sister motions for everyone to be quiet.]
Younger sister: What happened?
Older sister’s husband: I hit some ice and skid across the road and down a hill, which was very thankfully devoid of any trees, otherwise we would probably both be dead.
Older sister: You will never believe what hill. [She pauses for a beat]. The old ski hill down at the winter sports! [She starts to laugh again and laughs to the point where she isn’t making any noise. Soon her mother follows, then her aunts, then her cousins, then, eventually, her sister].
Younger sister’s husband: And the car is ok?
Older sister’s husband: I guess the family was right that getting a Swedish car does make a difference in the snow.
Mother: See! I told you!
Scene 2: Reflecting
[Open to everyone packing bags, moving from room to room stuffing opened gifts into reusable shopping bags, emptying the fridge, dumping open cans of beer and seltzer down the sink, folding laundry, sorting gift bags, etc. The two sisters are up in the good bedroom, alone.]
Older sister: Well, we survived.
Younger sister: Barely.
Older sister: It all could have been MUCH worse.
Younger sister: Yes, we know it can always be worse. At least this Christmas’s catastrophe was just you.
Older sister: [Accepts the jab, nods, and sighs] Right, just us. NARP1, and all that.
Younger sister: [Exasperatingly]: You know what I mean. You two can handle things better than everyone but me.
Older sister: Sure, of course. [She tears up a bit, shakes her head, and grabs a sweatshirt from the pile of clean laundry on the bed and starts to fold]. We are definitely the best people to survive a Christmas catastrophe — no kids, cushy jobs, plenty of time and enough money.
Younger sister: Exactly. I know you think that you get the short end of the stick all the time, but you realize you are the one we all trust the most? The one we can count on to always say yes? Always help? I know everyone thinks I keep this family together, but I can’t do it without you.
Act V: The family goes home
[Open to the driveway of the family homestead, suitcases and shopping bags and sleds and skis littering the driveway, the open cars, and the porch. The mother stands on the porch, weeping.]
Scene 1: Complicated trip to airport
Mother: Are you sure everyone and everything fits in one car?
Older sister: No, but we have to make it work.
Younger sister: I have it under control. Mom, get in the way back with the kids, put your seatbelt on and don’t move.
[The mother hobbles down the driveway and crawls into the back of the rental minivan. She calls out for her purse, then her phone, then a bottle of water, and finally, a Christmas cookie.]
Older sister: I will give you a ride and then return your rental.
[The sisters, the mother, the younger sister’s kids, and her husband all pile in the van. The older sister’s husband shuts the door and waves as they pull away. The van screeches to a halt and the younger sister’s husband jumps out.]
Younger sister’s husband: Forgot the baby monitor.
Younger sister: [Rolls down passenger side window]: And my face oil! It’s very expensive!
Younger sister’s husband: And the face oil.
Younger sister: And a La Croix!
Mother: And another cookie!
Younger sister’s son: And a new diaper for the baby she smells POOPY!!!
Final scene: Sisters crying at the airport
[The minivan pulls up to the airport drop-off and the family begins to unload the various suitcases, shopping bags, tupperware containers and complicated plastic baby contraptions.]
Younger Sister: Well, that probably isn’t everything, but if we don’t have it, I don’t care.
Older sister: If I find anything I will ship it to you after the new year. [The sisters, standing side by side with their hands on their hips, have the same expression on their faces. Despite their obvious physical differences, it is apparent they are related.]
Younger sister: Ok. Thanks. I guess we better get in there, it will take forever to get through security with Mom. [They both look over at their mother, who is rummaging through her big, gaudy, Christmas purse. She pulls out a nail clippers and takes the younger sister’s son to a bench and begins clipping his nails.]
Older sister: [Looks at her mother and shakes her head] Why are we like this?
Younger sister: Like what?
Older sister: The way we are! The catastrophes and the complications of everything, all the time.
Younger sister: Because we can. Because we do. It’s who we are, it’s how we live. Would you want to be in a stable, serious family?
Older sister: No. I wouldn’t want us to be any other way.
[The sisters embrace and begin to sob on each other’s shoulders. They pull away and look at each other. The older sister nods and motions for the younger sister to get their mother from the bench. The younger sister’s family and all their gear head into the airport. The older sister stands on the curb, tears streaming down her face. She waves and cut to the younger sister turning around in front of the airport security line. They share one last look and the older sister gets in the van, and pulls away from the curb.]
FIN
weekly wanderings
“Here, the season of parties shuts down with a whimper; December is just December, gray and tired. I go inside; I change my patterns. I whittle the numbers down. A party is ten people, and then it’s four, and then it’s just two, myself and the person with whom I share the space where I live, sitting together in a room that smells like pine trees and radiators.”
“Every single time we are able in public discourse to use that constellation of terms to name the clusterfuck of political circumstances in which we find ourselves, we should remember on whose shoulders we stand. Her name is bell hooks.”
I haven’t stopped thinking about this (unfortunately the 3000 minute documentary of The Beatles “Get Back” is extremely good)
“What did it mean? What didn’t it mean? ‘Vibe’ was a placeholder for an unplaceable feeling or impression, an atmosphere that you couldn’t or didn’t want to put into words.”
Movies that I recommend over the holidays: The Hand of God, Benedetta, House of Gucci, The Beatles Get Back, The French Dispatch
To best understand the place I come from, please watch Joe Pera and weep along with me.
Happy Holidays you filthy animals.
Per the Succession, Season 3 use